Short Story - End of the Safe World

I'll be posting more on query process as it moves along. But for a little break, I entered a short story in a little contest over at Absolute Write. It was a kid's lit contest with the theme of heat/summer, under 600 words. I've never written anything younger than YA, so it was a fun challenge to do something more Middle Grade. I was definitely going for something a bit Mark Twain-esque.

I didn't win, but that's OK. There were some great stories in the contest. (You have to be a member to see the stories - they're posted under the Share Your Work - Children's Literature section.) But here's my story. Enjoy.

End of the Safe World

Petey stopped at the edge of the grass, the corn stretching out in neat rows like an army ready to march. The sun rained down warmth and he lifted his Cubs hat to wipe sweat from his forehead, ‘cause that’s how explorers do it. Lena watched the tassels swaying in the breeze while Wilson glanced over his shoulder. Petey squinted, trying to see through the long shadows. Out there lay adventure and danger. 

“Well, this is it.” He stood tall, though still dwarfed by the plants. “Cut straight across and we’ll hit the creek. Billy said it was lying under a big oak.”

“Couldn’t we go around?” Wilson swung his foot over the dirt, as if afraid to touch it. “Momma says I’m not supposed to leave the park.”

Lena nodded. “Besides, I bet it ain’t real. Billy just made it up.”

Petey pointed a stick at the girl. “My brother don’t lie.” He turned his make-shift sword on Wilson. “And if you’re afraid of gettin’ caught, you can split right now.” He spat. “This here’s a mission, and we don’t need any chickens.” 

He stepped into a row. “I ain’t afraid of Old Man Andersen’s stupid cornfield. Who’s with me?”

Wilson shuffled his feet. Lena stuck her chin out and marched down the next row without looking back. Petey scrambled to get out front. Wilson followed.

Out of the sun, the air was no cooler. It clung to them like a damp towel. They walked in silence, the thwack of Petey’s stick on the trunks marking their pace. After a while, he started to whistle.

Petey emerged into daylight and held his breath. He didn’t see no creek. He saw a barn, with a giant dog lying in its shade. Lena appeared and froze. 

Wilson stumbled into him and knocked the stick out of his hand. “Hey, why’d you stop?”

“Shut up,” whispered Petey. 

Too late. The dog raised its head. 

“Just keep still,” Petey said. “It won’t do nothing.”

He bent to pick up the stick. As he stood, the beast growled. He pointed. “Good doggy. Stay.”

With a ferocious snarl it charged, slobber flying everywhere. Petey dropped the stick and pushed Wilson into the corn. Lena was already gone.

Green leaves slapped his face as Petey overtook Wilson and dodged wildly through the stalks. The dog’s barking followed behind and Lena shrieked up ahead. Sweat stung his eyes as he burst into a small opening where a raggedy figure towered over Lena. Wilson shot into the open space, tangling with Petey and landing in a heap. 

The dog was almost on top of them when it jerked back with a yelp, its leash tangled around the corn. Petey scrambled to his feet, pulling Wilson with him and grabbing Lena as they passed. “It’s just a scarecrow. Come on!” They plunged back into the shadows.

They ran out of steam before long, hands on knees, sucking in moist air. Unable to speak, they walked in silence when their legs could move. They were breathing normally by the time they emerged from the field and set foot on safe grass. The silence remained ‘til they reached the street.

“I hear Rob Olsen found a squirrel with five legs,” Petey said. “Got it locked in his basement. We could check it out after dinner.”

Wilson nodded and Lena mumbled a yes. Petey threw his shoulders back. He picked up a new stick and sliced the air. “Okay, then. We’ll meet at the flagpole at seven.” He turned and ran home, cutting down enemies the entire way.

Writing a Query Letter - Part 3: General techniques

In the first part on writing a query I summarized what a query is. In Part 2 I laid out how I wrote my query. Now I'd like to lay out some general tips that might help people out as they're struggling to master what seems like should be a simple task. (Don't worry if you find writing queries hard - it is. It's a big challenge to summarize a 90,000 word story into 250 words, while explaining what happens, showing who your character is, and doing it all in a way that's compelling, interesting, and unique).

What I've found to be the hardest parts, and what I've seen most people struggle with, is how to include the voice of the character and how to get the right level of detail. You absolutely need to get people to care about your character as an individual. And it's hard to know what to squeeze in such a small space, without getting lost in minutia or being cliche and meaningless. Here's a few things that helped me out.

Start with the generalities and cliches. Go ahead and keep it vague. Writing it out that way often helps you find your overall story. It's a coming of age story for a boy who feels awkward. It's a detective novel where the mob and corrupt police made life hard on a bitter old cop. Most story ideas are not unique in broad strokes. The truth is, they don't have to be. People like to read those stories and agents like to sell those stories. But after you have the general, try to include your unique twist. The boy feels awkward because he can read minds. The cop is embittered because his brother runs the mob and the victim was his best friend. When I tried to start with the specific of my story, I lost that big picture that connects everything, so going the other direction worked to get me where I wanted to be.

Don't worry about voice at the beginning. I think it's okay for your first draft query to sound like a summary. She did this. Then he appeared. Then this happened. Lifeless descriptions actually help you pick out what is truly key to the plot and essential to make a mini story in the query. If something isn't important, it doesn't belong in there. But once you have the actions listed, then you need to personalize them.

Two techniques that help bring in voice:  first, try to write the description as your character would describe it. If the action is Howard finds out he was adopted, how would he explain that to his best friend? The people I thought were my parents have lied to me my whole life. I'm not their kid. I don't know who I am. Just change it to third person: he had been lied to his whole life and no longer knew who he was.

The other thing that really helped was to list out the character's emotions during the action. Howard might feel: lost, confused, betrayed, hurt, angry, or any other number of things. Try to pin down what you want to express for his character - what is part of his arc. If the story is about an angry young man, go with that. If it's about his search for his birth mother, maybe the betrayal is what leads him away from his adoptive parents. Having a list of emotions helped me see which ones really mattered and I tried to use that in the description: The betrayal of his parents was the last straw. Howard needed to get to the truth if he ever wanted to know who he really was.

Worldbuilding is another tough area to find the right amount of detail. All stories need it, but speculative fiction needs more. How much to include? How to explain it simply? Start with the fact that the agent doesn't know anything about your world, so don't assume they understand what you mean by 'magic' or 'future'. Lots of words have different meanings in different contexts, so you need to spell out that people cast spells and dragons fly in the sky, or humanity has colonized the galaxy and faster than light travel is possible.

But you don't spell these out for their own sake. You only need to include what is necessary for the story you're telling the query (which is going to be a smaller story than your book). Mention magic, and the type of magic, but how it's used or how it affects your character: Rengar would have to steal the blessed sword from the meanest wizard in the land; If Jetto couldn't stop the alien armada before it crossed the outer colonies, the earth itself might fall. Lay out your story first and then work the world around it. Try to give an accurate picture without needing too many details. Spaceships = good; anti-matter engines that bend the fabric of space time and allow spheroid hulls to cross up to nine parsecs instantaneously = bad.

On the other hand, make sure to include something that really sets your world apart. If your vampires sparkle in the daytime, that's new. If your magic is based on peanut shells, that's different. Again, work it in the folds of the story, but make sure you get it in there. In my case, I have aliens who are stronger/more evolved than humans. That's nothing new. But they don't age and they've been on earth for thousands of years, taking on roles that made them famous historical figures. That's a little different. So I was sure to mention that it was the real life Achilles who helps my hero when she needs it. Ideally, you want the reader to think: I haven't seen that before. That could be interesting.

One thing that helped me was making a list, kinda like I did with the emotions. But this was a world-building list. I used bullet points to highlight what things made my world the world that it is: aliens who don't age; lived on earth for thousands of years; were historical figures; stronger than humans; use flying suits and advanced technology. Again, you don't want to list them off in the query, but you can then find ways to work them into the story you've built.

Finally, get feedback. It's so hard to be objective with your own writing, especially when you know your world and character so well. You understand what you mean by magic without any explanation. You think it's so cool that you have a plausible explanation for how werewolves could actually exist. But if you get someone else to read it, preferably someone who hasn't read your book, they'll pick out the things that don't make sense and are too detailed to be interesting.

Writing a query is a necessary thing if you want to get an agent. Don't think of it as a hurdle, think of it as a chance to learn more about your story and how to write in a way that grabs the reader. Sometimes problems in the query will even point out problems in the book. Starting on the query while you're working on the manuscript is a great way to help them both shape up and not to leave you beating your head against the wall when you've finished that great novel but have to wait to send it out while you finish up your query. So learn to enjoy the process and you'll be having fun the whole time. Good luck!

Writing a Query Letter - Part 2

In Part 1, I went over the basics of what a query letter is. Now I'll lay out how I wrote my query. In Part 3 I'll give out more general advice that might be handy for anyone with any type of query. I'm not saying that this is the only way to write a query. Everyone will find different things that work for them. But it's good to try different approaches, so give this a whirl and see if it works for you, too.

The start:

The first sentence is key. It needs to grab the agent's interest. It also needs to set the place for your story and introduce the main character. Ideally it delivers the hook - the thing that makes your story unique. But it doesn't have to say everything. A number of people suggest summarizing your whole book into a single sentence and building out from there. That didn't work for me, but your mileage may vary.

You can try to get fancy here, but sometimes simple is best. Pick out what you want the reader to know about your character up front. Not everything about them, but how would you describe them in as short a sentence as possible. She's nice. She's smart. He's a jock with a brain. She's the victim of abuse. Get that idea and then just hold it.

Next, think of where your story is. If it's in the normal, contemporary world, that's great. That's where readers assume they are. But what if you're in space? Or a fantasy world? Or 1820? You need to get that in there because it shapes the perception of everything else. A daring rebel means completely different things in different ages; a soldier in the middle ages bares little resemblance to a soldier fighting aliens in spaceships. Keep this very broad, but maybe pick out one over-riding detail to go with it. Is the future peaceful or chaotic? Is this fantasy world one of magic and limited technology? Is this 1820's America or 1820's England?

Finally, decide what's happening at the start. It doesn't have to be the very start of your book, though it often is. But it has to be something that will drive the rest of the story. Try to think of the inciting incident and include that. Some stories take more time to build, and that can be okay, but there has to be something there that moves forward, even if it's just character development. This doesn't all have to fit in the very first sentence, but it should be what the first paragraph is about.

To put it all together, try to write it from the perspective of the character. Write it in a way that gets the reader into their head, hopefully drawing that connection so they care about this person and what's about to happen to them. Here's what I came up with:

Sixteen-year-old Emily Brayden is finally on an actual date with Holden James when grim-faced government agents show up to arrest her. 

Mine is a contemporary world, a date is a normal thing teenagers do. 'Finally' and 'actual' are there to indicate a history between the characters and that Emily is excited. I mention Holden because he's the secondary main character, but the story is told from Emily's POV. Government agents arresting a normal kid on a date is a strange thing and it leads to everything else that happens in the story. The second sentence gets us more into Emily's head and describes the action to let us know more about the world (it's not quite normal).

Fear and confusion turn to mind-completely-blown when Holden fights off the agents with superhuman strength, scoops her up, and jumps off a second story balcony to escape.

What I want to accomplish is for the reader to understand that Emily is (or thinks she is) an ordinary girl in an ordinary world. But it's not true. The action in the book starts when it's revealed that there are extraordinary people (the agents, Holden) and Emily is caught up with them. It sets off a chase, and the book continues on that theme all the way to its conclusion.

The middle:

Once you have their attention and you've got the character and story started, you need to lay out where it goes. This is where you need to build your world and lay out what the conflict is. Since my story is science fiction, I needed spell out what the speculative element is. That could be started in the first paragraph, but here is where you flesh it out. Even if it's just a character study in the modern world, you want to give an idea of the setting and what actually takes place. Does the character sit and think in their garden? Does the character get involved with neighbors? Are those neighbors vampires? What is this world you're bringing the reader to? Here's my world:

He claims they’re all aliens—him, the agents, even Emily. A race of ageless beings living on Earth since ancient Greece. The agents represent a faction that has manipulated humans for millennia and Emily is the first half-breed, the key to save their dying race. Delusional fantasies much? But when the agents kidnap her mom and blow up Holden’s house, he’s all she’s got.

You also want to lay out what the action is. What does your character actually do. You need to be specific in how you describe it. She doesn't 'solve the crime' or 'look for clues'. She tracks down the culprit by interviewing witnesses and studying crime scene photos. He doesn't have a 'life-changing event' but he nearly dies when in a car accident that paralyzes him. You want to avoid cliches and generalities. You need to make your story unique. What I've found that actually works well is to start with the vague cliche. Write down the generality and then figure out how to express that concept using the specific actions or thoughts of your character.

For me, Emily struggles to understand her new world while she flees pursuit by scary men. Very cliche. I turned that into her actions and the thoughts in her head:

Full of doubt and adrenaline, Emily desperately follows Holden as he leads their getaway. It’s kinda hard to deny the growing strength that lets her jump from speeding trains and sprint for days. After a fall from the Golden Gate Bridge, Emily discovers a mental toughness to match the physical and saves an unconscious Holden. It’s all true. She is extraordinary, she needs Holden. And she wants her mom back, dammit.

The conclusion:

You want to wrap the story up with a cliffhanger. But you need to spell it out enough so that the agent can envision what the final outcome is. Think of the climax for your book. How would you tease it. Again, you can start with the cliche: does he get the girl? Does she defeat the bad guys? But then you need to get specific. And you need to spell out the stakes - this is often presented as a choice for the main character and the consequences of each choice: Bob must decide if he'll give up his dream of becoming a doctor to stay with Annie and raise their child. Or it can be presented as a final challenge that the character must pass, or else: Suzie must use her new magic to close the portal before the demons come through and send the world to darkness forever.

You want to leave the reader (agent) with the thought: I wonder if they succeed? Or, better yet, I NEED to know how this turns out! Many a story is defined by it's ending, and while success comes in many flavors, you want to make sure the reader sees what success could mean. Not becoming a doctor is okay if you find happiness with your family. Closing the portal might drain all the magic from you, leaving you ordinary once more. That's the other thing the ending does - it lays out what the final character arc is. It doesn't need to spell out exactly who the character becomes at the end, but make it clear that they will have changed and the ending will make them a new person.

For me, Emily starts as a normal girl who's full of fear and confusion when she's thrust into this new world. In the end, she not only accepts the new world, but must do something heroic with her new powers in order to achieve her goal:

Knowing they need help, they track down a group of ancient aliens who’ve fought the agents for eons. The real life Achilles directs the raid to liberate her mom using alien flying suits. Surreal. But Emily’s all in. To free her mom, she’ll walk—fly—into the government facility that’s headquarters for those who want to lock her up like a lab rat. Or worse, dissect her like one.

Everything:

When you put it all together, it should be a nice little story that's complete of itself. It introduces a character, shares their world, lays out the problem, and suggests what the final solution entails. Most importantly, it sells the story and makes the reader want more.

Sixteen-year-old Emily Brayden is finally on an actual date with Holden James when grim-faced government agents show up to arrest her. Fear and confusion turn to mind-completely-blown when Holden fights off the agents with superhuman strength, scoops her up, and jumps off a second story balcony to escape. He claims they’re all aliens—him, the agents, even Emily. A race of ageless beings living on Earth since ancient Greece. The agents represent a faction that has manipulated humans for millennia and Emily is the first half-breed, the key to save their dying race. Delusional fantasies much? But when the agents kidnap her mom and blow up Holden’s house, he’s all she’s got. 

Full of doubt and adrenaline, Emily desperately follows Holden as he leads their getaway. It’s kinda hard to deny the growing strength that lets her jump from speeding trains and sprint for days. After a fall from the Golden Gate Bridge, Emily discovers a mental toughness to match the physical and saves an unconscious Holden. It’s all true. She is extraordinary, she needs Holden. And she wants her mom back, dammit.

Knowing they need help, they track down a group of ancient aliens who’ve fought the agents for eons. The real life Achilles directs the raid to liberate her mom using alien flying suits. Surreal. But Emily’s all in. To free her mom, she’ll walk—fly—into the government facility that’s headquarters for those who want to lock her up like a lab rat. Or worse, dissect her like one.

That's how I did it. I'm happy with the result, but the agents will be the final judges. I'll be sending this out shortly and will update this post when I start getting results. I hope this helps others out there with what can be a very frustrating process. Good luck!