Writing a Query Letter - Part 2

In Part 1, I went over the basics of what a query letter is. Now I'll lay out how I wrote my query. In Part 3 I'll give out more general advice that might be handy for anyone with any type of query. I'm not saying that this is the only way to write a query. Everyone will find different things that work for them. But it's good to try different approaches, so give this a whirl and see if it works for you, too.

The start:

The first sentence is key. It needs to grab the agent's interest. It also needs to set the place for your story and introduce the main character. Ideally it delivers the hook - the thing that makes your story unique. But it doesn't have to say everything. A number of people suggest summarizing your whole book into a single sentence and building out from there. That didn't work for me, but your mileage may vary.

You can try to get fancy here, but sometimes simple is best. Pick out what you want the reader to know about your character up front. Not everything about them, but how would you describe them in as short a sentence as possible. She's nice. She's smart. He's a jock with a brain. She's the victim of abuse. Get that idea and then just hold it.

Next, think of where your story is. If it's in the normal, contemporary world, that's great. That's where readers assume they are. But what if you're in space? Or a fantasy world? Or 1820? You need to get that in there because it shapes the perception of everything else. A daring rebel means completely different things in different ages; a soldier in the middle ages bares little resemblance to a soldier fighting aliens in spaceships. Keep this very broad, but maybe pick out one over-riding detail to go with it. Is the future peaceful or chaotic? Is this fantasy world one of magic and limited technology? Is this 1820's America or 1820's England?

Finally, decide what's happening at the start. It doesn't have to be the very start of your book, though it often is. But it has to be something that will drive the rest of the story. Try to think of the inciting incident and include that. Some stories take more time to build, and that can be okay, but there has to be something there that moves forward, even if it's just character development. This doesn't all have to fit in the very first sentence, but it should be what the first paragraph is about.

To put it all together, try to write it from the perspective of the character. Write it in a way that gets the reader into their head, hopefully drawing that connection so they care about this person and what's about to happen to them. Here's what I came up with:

Sixteen-year-old Emily Brayden is finally on an actual date with Holden James when grim-faced government agents show up to arrest her. 

Mine is a contemporary world, a date is a normal thing teenagers do. 'Finally' and 'actual' are there to indicate a history between the characters and that Emily is excited. I mention Holden because he's the secondary main character, but the story is told from Emily's POV. Government agents arresting a normal kid on a date is a strange thing and it leads to everything else that happens in the story. The second sentence gets us more into Emily's head and describes the action to let us know more about the world (it's not quite normal).

Fear and confusion turn to mind-completely-blown when Holden fights off the agents with superhuman strength, scoops her up, and jumps off a second story balcony to escape.

What I want to accomplish is for the reader to understand that Emily is (or thinks she is) an ordinary girl in an ordinary world. But it's not true. The action in the book starts when it's revealed that there are extraordinary people (the agents, Holden) and Emily is caught up with them. It sets off a chase, and the book continues on that theme all the way to its conclusion.

The middle:

Once you have their attention and you've got the character and story started, you need to lay out where it goes. This is where you need to build your world and lay out what the conflict is. Since my story is science fiction, I needed spell out what the speculative element is. That could be started in the first paragraph, but here is where you flesh it out. Even if it's just a character study in the modern world, you want to give an idea of the setting and what actually takes place. Does the character sit and think in their garden? Does the character get involved with neighbors? Are those neighbors vampires? What is this world you're bringing the reader to? Here's my world:

He claims they’re all aliens—him, the agents, even Emily. A race of ageless beings living on Earth since ancient Greece. The agents represent a faction that has manipulated humans for millennia and Emily is the first half-breed, the key to save their dying race. Delusional fantasies much? But when the agents kidnap her mom and blow up Holden’s house, he’s all she’s got.

You also want to lay out what the action is. What does your character actually do. You need to be specific in how you describe it. She doesn't 'solve the crime' or 'look for clues'. She tracks down the culprit by interviewing witnesses and studying crime scene photos. He doesn't have a 'life-changing event' but he nearly dies when in a car accident that paralyzes him. You want to avoid cliches and generalities. You need to make your story unique. What I've found that actually works well is to start with the vague cliche. Write down the generality and then figure out how to express that concept using the specific actions or thoughts of your character.

For me, Emily struggles to understand her new world while she flees pursuit by scary men. Very cliche. I turned that into her actions and the thoughts in her head:

Full of doubt and adrenaline, Emily desperately follows Holden as he leads their getaway. It’s kinda hard to deny the growing strength that lets her jump from speeding trains and sprint for days. After a fall from the Golden Gate Bridge, Emily discovers a mental toughness to match the physical and saves an unconscious Holden. It’s all true. She is extraordinary, she needs Holden. And she wants her mom back, dammit.

The conclusion:

You want to wrap the story up with a cliffhanger. But you need to spell it out enough so that the agent can envision what the final outcome is. Think of the climax for your book. How would you tease it. Again, you can start with the cliche: does he get the girl? Does she defeat the bad guys? But then you need to get specific. And you need to spell out the stakes - this is often presented as a choice for the main character and the consequences of each choice: Bob must decide if he'll give up his dream of becoming a doctor to stay with Annie and raise their child. Or it can be presented as a final challenge that the character must pass, or else: Suzie must use her new magic to close the portal before the demons come through and send the world to darkness forever.

You want to leave the reader (agent) with the thought: I wonder if they succeed? Or, better yet, I NEED to know how this turns out! Many a story is defined by it's ending, and while success comes in many flavors, you want to make sure the reader sees what success could mean. Not becoming a doctor is okay if you find happiness with your family. Closing the portal might drain all the magic from you, leaving you ordinary once more. That's the other thing the ending does - it lays out what the final character arc is. It doesn't need to spell out exactly who the character becomes at the end, but make it clear that they will have changed and the ending will make them a new person.

For me, Emily starts as a normal girl who's full of fear and confusion when she's thrust into this new world. In the end, she not only accepts the new world, but must do something heroic with her new powers in order to achieve her goal:

Knowing they need help, they track down a group of ancient aliens who’ve fought the agents for eons. The real life Achilles directs the raid to liberate her mom using alien flying suits. Surreal. But Emily’s all in. To free her mom, she’ll walk—fly—into the government facility that’s headquarters for those who want to lock her up like a lab rat. Or worse, dissect her like one.

Everything:

When you put it all together, it should be a nice little story that's complete of itself. It introduces a character, shares their world, lays out the problem, and suggests what the final solution entails. Most importantly, it sells the story and makes the reader want more.

Sixteen-year-old Emily Brayden is finally on an actual date with Holden James when grim-faced government agents show up to arrest her. Fear and confusion turn to mind-completely-blown when Holden fights off the agents with superhuman strength, scoops her up, and jumps off a second story balcony to escape. He claims they’re all aliens—him, the agents, even Emily. A race of ageless beings living on Earth since ancient Greece. The agents represent a faction that has manipulated humans for millennia and Emily is the first half-breed, the key to save their dying race. Delusional fantasies much? But when the agents kidnap her mom and blow up Holden’s house, he’s all she’s got. 

Full of doubt and adrenaline, Emily desperately follows Holden as he leads their getaway. It’s kinda hard to deny the growing strength that lets her jump from speeding trains and sprint for days. After a fall from the Golden Gate Bridge, Emily discovers a mental toughness to match the physical and saves an unconscious Holden. It’s all true. She is extraordinary, she needs Holden. And she wants her mom back, dammit.

Knowing they need help, they track down a group of ancient aliens who’ve fought the agents for eons. The real life Achilles directs the raid to liberate her mom using alien flying suits. Surreal. But Emily’s all in. To free her mom, she’ll walk—fly—into the government facility that’s headquarters for those who want to lock her up like a lab rat. Or worse, dissect her like one.

That's how I did it. I'm happy with the result, but the agents will be the final judges. I'll be sending this out shortly and will update this post when I start getting results. I hope this helps others out there with what can be a very frustrating process. Good luck!